Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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