a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
