oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
