batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
