We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
