Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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