haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
