i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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