I can text with my tongue
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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