why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
honey bunches of taint.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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