don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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