I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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