everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
