sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm like, not good at living.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
