it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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