If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
