We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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