i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
