you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
