if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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