Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
