If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
MIDGETS
????
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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