they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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