I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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