Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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