I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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