i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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