FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
