what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
