shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
