phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
