I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
