Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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