Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
