Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
