i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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