did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
