I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
