Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
