You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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