Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
