Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need water and some morals
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
