mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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