my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
