Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
false alarm, still single
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
