well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
