hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
