We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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