she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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