I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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