I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
