Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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